I'm giving her all she's got, Captain
It has been just over an hour since I last ate, and holy cock-monkeys I am already regretting this punishment deal; It's almost like I'm not meant to enjoy this.
Let me explain...
Normally, I'd have a meal and end it with a desert.
Normally, I'd have a desert that involves chocolate
Normally, That would be the end of the matter.
Having done this for more or less my entire conscious life, this habit has been engrained into me with a greater insistence than my desire to wear clean underwear or my knowledge that it isn't acceptable (but should be) to bitch-slap people who don't respond to "Hello" when greeting them. It seems, unfortunately for me, that my earlier lapse in will power has unearthed the true addiction that plagues me; Chocolate may have been a great motivator of the problem, undoubtedly, but the core problem has been "Routine" all along.
Eat a meal, eat desert
Eat a meal, eat desert
Eat a meal, eat desert
For two and a half decades. A quarter of a century. Eat a meal, eat desert.
And here I sit, now forced to break that cycle and it is genuinely incredibly uncomfortable.
Don't get me wrong, I have had to resist eating chocolate (and I've been known to eat it after the point I've stopped wanting it), but because I have been "Allowed" to replace it with a non-chocolate desert, the withdrawal has been minimal, manageable, minor. The real habit remained intact, unaltered and satisfied - Eat a meal, eat desert.
With that luxury gone, I am really, truly, feeling it.
And if there is something I wish to communicate to you, dear reader, it is this - This. Fucking. Sucks.
The thing I'm doing (Breaking a, realistically, small part of my daily routine and depriving myself of a luxury, not a necessity) may be trivial but it's effects are most certainly not. As I mentioned at the start, it has been over an hour since I last ate a full meal and I still feel hungry. Everyone knows hunger pains; An unignorable ache in your stomach, a great yearning in the back of your throat that almost reaches up and tries to wrestle your mind into submission. But that's only the start, that kind of pain is felt and your conscious mind agrees with this need to feed; Imagine if you were to throw resistance into the mix, like I am now? Let's also throw in the fact that there is desert in the house and within 30 seconds I could be eating any number of nice things.
I'm resisting against a powerfully evolved survival instinct that my brain knows I could satisfy easily if I gave up control and it is doing everything it can to make me do that
- My stomach feels empty (it is not empty)
- I *feel* like I haven't eaten today
- My brain is bargaining with my conscious self, telling me to simply eat a biscuit and not tell anyone, that one biscuit won't effect anything, that I won't feel right until I do.
- On top of that my brain is almost noticeably trying to subvert the "Me" part of my mind. It is a uniquely unnerving experience realising that your brain merely lets you borrow the reins occasionally, but can (and will) snatch them off you at will, whenever it chooses.
Again - This is a trivial change to my routines, but this is not nice.
Withdrawal really sucks
(and I wrote a long post because It is actually helping me control my willpower)
~A
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